One year ago today at 7:16 pm

One year ago today, you grew your wings. I hate that it has been 1 year, I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back punkin.

...

This morning before heading to the gym I noticed I had a text message, it was from my friend/neighbor tell me they were thinking of this week, and if they could do anything to honor Kasey. The tears came, and took me back to last year at this time... we had decided to sign a DNR and had put Kasey on comfort care. They told us that there was nothing that could be done. Really I don't remember anything from the meeting except telling them they were giving up on my son. While all these feelings were hitting me like a rock, I saw a shooting star... Kasey telling me mommy I love you and you didn't give up on me, you fought just as hard as I did, with everything you had, I am ok up here and I am watching over my baby brother or sister. Thank you punkin, I really needed that this week!!
December is not really a happy time in my house hold, and with the 25 days of give aways I have been blessed with 2 very special winnings! I can't wait to receive them and when I do I will post pictures! With Tina's great thinking and everyone's generosity and love who participated December is a little brighter this year. I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
While I am talking about signs... we have a puppy named Charlie, whom we got in March, May? I can't remember...anywho he is naughty and I love him dearly, but it was much harder to get attached to him 1. because of his naughtiness and 2. because I miss my Kasey. He follows me around and snuggles with me,m listens to me, and much prefers me to my husband (the other puppy Champ is the exact opposite). Charlie was also born on Nov. 14 2008, 2 days before Kasey. I think its not a coincidence, but ist from my punkin, he made sure that I have someone looking after me.

Those Steps

Today I walked those steps that I did everyday a few times a day one year ago. My heart pounded I had a hard time breathing. It was almost like I was going to see you again, to constant fear and worry of what piece of information they would give me. I took some blankets, books, and socks to the NICU today, from some of the funds that I raised for Christmas with Kasey. Once I was in the NICU it wasn't has hard and I was making out to be, but I sure wish that I was going to visit my little punkin instead of donating things in his memory!

Footprints On Our Hearts

Footprints On Our Hearts

These tiny set of footprints is all we have of you.

When you were taken from us, our hopes and dreams were too.

We miss you oh so much, our precious little ones.

Our lives are filled with sadness now, instead of filled with joy.

Our arms are empty; our eyes are filled with tears.

You were what we'd waited for, for oh so many years.

You were so very beautiful; perfect hands and feet, tiny nose and eyes.

What we would have given though, just to hear you cry.

Coming home without you wasn't what we'd dreamed.

Looking at your empty room makes me want to scream.

We had so many plans for you, so many things to do.

Now we're left with shattered dreams, crying without you.

We wish you could have stayed with us; we loved you from the start.

Now all we have are memories, and your footprints on our hearts.

-Author Unknown

Expectations

I have expectations of myself and I haven't been meeting them. I have not been the wife that I want or what my husband needs me to be. I am ashamed of myself and need to get my shit together. I have a little one in heaven who watches over me, and I know I am not being the mommy I should be and I have a little one who lives inside me that needs me and its daddy. Honey I love you and I am working on being a better wife and person that I want to be and need to be.

Kasey is going to be a big brother

Well I have been "hiding" something from you... I am almost 13 weeks pregnant. I am scared, excited, nervous, etc. We had the scan to measure the back of the neck and that measurement is very normal! The peri thinks that it is a girl, which is what Kevin has said. I think I am holding on for a boy...not sure why. I guess so he can have all of Kasey's things? I am not trying to replace Kasey by any means, but maybe it will make me feel like Kasey is close... I actually really don't care what the sex of the baby is. What I really want is a healthy screaming child that I can hold and never let go. Please please please!

Christmas with Kasey final numbers

I have a final number of what I raised for Christmas with Kasey...Just over $7000.00!!! Can you believe it?? Nor can I!!! I am shocked, floored, happy, excited, and sad! I will be mailing a check to CHERUBS this week. I wish I didn't know what CHERUBS was, I wish that my son had a 1st birthday party with our family and friends. I wish that I have been dreaming this nightmare and I would wake up and things would be ok. Unfortunately its not, this is my reality.
I miss you little guy!!